Call me crazy (I know you think it anyway) but my mind has its own commercial voice over. Last night he said, “Have you ever felt over looked? Unseen? Taken for granted? Misunderstood? As if you have been climbing a mountain that just continues to grow taller?”
Why yes…yes I have. Mr. Strong Awesome voice who only has the questions to roll around in my head but never an answer to calm them. UGH!!!
I went to bed feeling that way last night. Amongst other things…
There is an opportunity that I know I am meant for…that may be FINALLY in the works. However, I feel the ball has been dropped on my end. Or …so I think. (stressing the I) I really have no idea. I just know nothing and I hate it when people “just talk” about things. I’m a doer. So don’t play with me. If you want to do something…lets just do it then.
But that’s the problem… in most cases ….its not in my control. What can really stink is when something you know you would be awesome at… is given to some else. Have I been over looked? Maybe? Maybe I never expressed my interest emotionally enough. I don’t know… what I do know is that my mind can tell me some pretty ugly lies about my realities and why I feel the way I do. It’s hard. Downtime ..whether it be at night or otherwise can be a scary roller coaster of insane playbacks. My mind often floods itself with the happenings of the day, or the things to come.
Like I said in my last post… I’m at war. Its a beast and damn it …I am gonna kill it. One day at a time.
So what did I do?? I spoke briefly to Mike and then I went to bed. I slept on it. I woke up feeling kinda weird actually because I had words in my head I know I didn’t put there myself. They rushed into my mind loud and clear… “Chantel, you’re not ready. I’m still working on you. Don’t forget… its not about your plan… but MINE. “ That feeling overtook me and…
That weird feeling … was PEACE. Just the feeling of take care of those beautiful babies, love and be a friend to that amazing husband of yours, and nurture and build those friendships you have always wanted that you finally have. (Que the thank goodness sigh)
Not a usual feeling..so yes its weird to me. That’s so like Jesus… man I love that guy. I’m ok with it not being my time for the things I THINK I would be awesome at. Because my time will come. So until then… I will just keep going. “Baby Steps Bob” as my beautiful Leah always tells me ; ) …. and the best part about this whole thing… is yesterdays war…